no one reads this shit. but i am amusing myself in posting it on the internet that someone might find some sort of enjoyment in reading of my misery. i am surprised i drove home tonight in one piece due to what a disgusting sobbing piece of shit i was in my car. unfortunately i did not end up in some fiery head on collision that ended all of this bullshit and fake facades that i prance around trying to portray. i hate today and i hate what my life has become. i came close to actually articulating my true feelings tonight but was stopped short and my opportunity was ruined by a third party later on. i wish i could just over dose or something by myself but for some reason i keep clinging on and hoping for better although the past has proven to me that everyone is out for themselves and no body gives a FUCK about megan jewell. even my name disgusts me.


i wish i had a bottle of whiskey.

i wrote something mad emo in a fit of depression. i am only posting half of it because the other half is about someone specific and i do not have the balls to put that on a public forum.

( omghaha )

Currently: life is tumultuous and unknown and exciting. i have finally been able to let myself go from depression and realize that everything will be okay. i have become pretty docile about people and do not get angry at them. only thing i have not learned to control is my own anxiety about silly things but all will come in time. i am all hopped up on nerves. i got my hair done. no pics yet. its much shorter and platinum blonde, dark brown, dirty blonde red, and other shit. i am contemplating going to paul mitchell simultaneously while goign to ucf for my bio bachelors. ha ha ha ha ha ha. i am cheesing. no i am not high cause i reread this and it is so scatter brained it sounds like it.

so i know i hardly ever update this thing but i have vowed to start up again even though i know no one will read it. so me and alex finally broke up. i feel freeeeee. i love it. so awesome. i am having the time of my life and i am not even doing anything that exciting. maybe now i can pursue somethign with someone i should have chosen in the first place. i am sitting outside smoking some cigarettes drinking a newcastle and typing on my new fucking laptop my sweet as shit grandma got me. i love her. finally premed student has a laptop. i need it. anyways. what has everyone else been up to!?!!! ir ead every ones posts all the time i just hardly ever commment cause i feel so removed since i never update. i type fast.

I stole this from Morgan.



Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I am trying. It is hard to change aspects of your personality on a whim. And I do for the hell of it anyways.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

What countries did you visit?
Haha! I wish I could afford to travel.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Money. Satisfaction. Not being so neurotic and pissed off. Comfort.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hm. Moving into me and Alex's apartment together, no roommates. Gaining three animals!!! Ein, Koji, & Matilda. Figuring out what to do with my life.

What was your biggest failure?
Doing shitty last semester. Wasting my life in unnecessary science classes.

What was the best thing you bought?
Hmm... I have no idea.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
bah.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My biological mother.

Where did most of your money go?
Haha god knows. Bills and rent.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Seaworld trips!

What song will always remind you of 2008?
Anything by Gunther.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

Happier or sadder?
Happier.

Thinner or fatter?
Fatter

Richer or poorer?
Much poorer. Much debt.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
being happy.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
being pissed off.

How will you be spending Christmas next year?
On a beach in Sarasota with Alex. Fuck this shit!

Did you fall in love in 2008?
With more animals.

How many one-night stands?
None.

What was your favorite TV program?
DEXTER!!! OMG so obsessed. I fucking love Dexter.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

What was the best book you read?
Snowflower and the Secret Fan/Peony in Love

What was your greatest musical discovery?
gunther.

What did you want and get?
New living arrangements.

What did you want and not get?
A vacation.

What were your favorite films of this year?
No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood (I think these are technically 2007), Burn After Reading, In the Name of the Father, Star Wars

What did you do on your birthday?
Had a surprise party at Gary's.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Slightly better.

What kept you sane?
Alex (he was the cause of much insanity however), my animals.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Daniel Day Lewis.

What political issue stirred you the most?
The election.

Who did you miss?
Lauren

Who was the best new person you met?
Hmm... no one?

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Money sucks.

i have a new puppy!

the power supply in our computer crapped out. apparently the warranty for it expired one month ago, so it figures. its also supposed to be liek 300 dollars to fix it. ahhh. so needless to say i will not be updated very much.

i am doing kind of shitty in school so i am starting to rethink my career plans. no one has heard of a stupid doctor right?

god my boyfriend sucks.

so. here's this idea.
go to med school, join the navy right afterwards, get them to pay my debts, get lots of experience, get out in four years w/ a lot more credibility than most.
ehhh???
i have no interest in the military but fuck if i can get out debt free, and have lots of experience dealing with patients and at the same time do my internship? shhiiit. i think if you enter the military as a doctor you start as a lieutenant or captain... hmmmmm!!! i'll take that pay.

what do you think?

so i hardly update this thing. my life is starting to perk up. i am trying not to stress about things so much. i am making friends [me and the people from work went out drinking on monday and had a blast]. i have had really good luck today as well.

this couple that i know - more of an acquaintance - broke up after 4 years. makes me appreciate alex more, even though he annoys me a lot haha. goes to show that there is no such thing as the "perfect" guy or a "perfect" relationship. humans are not meant to be monogamous.

my abs are sore from throwing up so much on monday night. woo 12 bottles of sake. i'm broke again. i spent $50 at the bar, including way too much money on the jukebox. so much fun though. i am finally bonding. i have two big assignments i should be doing. i did most of one. they aren't due until next week. i'll work on them tommorow i am still recovering. i had to get up and go to work at 12 on tuesday! then came home for a whole six hours of sleep last night. agh.

so its been almost two months. school is about to start. work is alright- wish i got paid more. ein got his nuts taken out ;]. everything is pretty good/placid at the moment. we have a tropical storm/hurricane coming but i dont think its going to be much. either way i prepared the children. i got them all new tags that have our address on it, and koji her own carrier. im pretty boring and domestic lol

so. forever i have been wanting to do marine biology. i got really discourage because the only good mb programs were at UM and FIT. and i can NOT afford either. so for the past year and a half i have been going from major to major at ucf trying to find my second choice. however, i have a mb program i must have overlooked - uwf. so i have decided. i am going to do two more semesters at ucf and get some of the generic biology classes over with like calc with analytic geometry, bio 2, chem 1 and 2, etc. and then i am going to transfer to uwf (hey christine!!!). i have heard nothing but horror stories about pensacola but i am not going for the town, just the program. i am excited. my ultimate goal is to be a seaworld trainer. that is my dream job. so instead of settling for second best with some security (like i was before) i am going to do what i want to do with my life and what i have wanted to do since i was in kindergarten. yay!



it will be hard. i found the requirements for it last night and i need a degree in mb, be scuba certified (i have always wanted to so no wi have even more reason to) and be a strong swimmer. i suck at swimming but i guess i can take lessons? lol

now begins my war on FLEAS.

jesus christ.
it's funny when i didn't know the kitten had them (fur is too thick to see them) we had this hierarchical balance going on. now that i have macbeth on revolution, kitten on frontline spray and feeding her capstars every other day, they are fucking going nuts. my chest and neck are covered in this mother fucking bites.

i probably also have tapeworm. im sure i swallowed a couple on accident somewhere in there.

this is what my retards do all day:

i'm in a good place right now. i haven't been this calm and placid in a while. i think once i finally get some of my debt down and pay off my credit card i am going to buy some disney coloring books like i had when i was little and little craft projects. raynala inspired me.

i feel like my life is finally getting in order. work is cool i just hate waking up at 6 am five days a week. and the phone never stops ringing. but it's okay, it's 29993939 times better than subway.

i am massively in debt. ahhh. i owe $10,400 to my student loan people (idk who it is because bank of america sold it in 24 hours haha), $16,000 for my car... $700 on my credit card... and I have $32 in my checking account! woo. i can't wait to start getting a steady income. I am also dreading school in the fall. it's going to be hard as hell again but oh well.

the kitten is good. she's extremely playful and loves to chew and bite my hands, theyre all torn up. macbeth is used to her now and doesnt give a crap.

i took a 3 hour nap after work and now i am really anxious and bored. i hate when alex works.

I honestly hate a lot of people. Today this woman came in with a five week old kitten wrapped in a bloody sweater. Some stupid rich cunt from Winter Park ran over it, didn't bat an eye, and drove off. Everyone just stared at it, no one helped. Half of the front leg had been ripped off, and you could see the bone and tendons sticking out of what was left. His entire side was covered in road rash and you could just see muscle. The side of his head was pretty banged up and it looked like his jaw was cracked. Just to amputate the leg was going to be around 600 dollars, never mind the other surgeries he'd need, so she paid to have him euthanized. We gave it to her for free.

I don't understand how people can fucking do shit like this. How do you not have the heart to stop and help an animal that your useless self ran over? How can you look at it struggling to breathe and hang on to life, and then just walk away? Do people not have fucking hearts? A conscience? I seriously hope anyone would do that ceases all contact with me and dies a miserable, lonely death.

I wanted to save him so bad. I feel so guilty for not trying. Just because it's an animal doesn't mean you just give up on it.

Anyways, on my first full day I adopted a kitten already. Someone left a box of kittens outside the other hospital. She looks like a Balinese. She looooves to talk to so I am thinking she is at least part. She's adorable though. It's actually officially Alex's cat but guess who cleans her poop haha. She's around 6 weeks old. I already started her on dewormer. My 70% discount is awesome.

this isn't a picture of her since I don't have a digital camera, but it could be it looks EXACTLY like her:


Macbeth and her are alright. They smack eachother and play but I trust him alone with her.

I am now going to shower because I have to be at work at 7.

so things are starting to look up. the apartment is awesome. i was really uncomfortable for the first week or two, but now it's really homey to me now. it's hard to keep it clean though. i dont know how it happened, but i think i somehow moved some of the flies from the old place into here (i left the window open for the cat one day, flies came through the screen, reproduced on everything i guess). it's hard keeping the litter, dishes, and trash completely free of those stupid motherfuckers 24/7. and no one sells fly paper either! what the hell! i'm going to put some sugar on a bunch of duct tape and see if that works... lol.

anyways i started my new job for about 2.5 hours. i went in for a 2nd interview/see if i like being a receptionist type thing and got it :) it's very laid back. i like it. only thing hard is that the computer system is ANCIENT. like the black screen with green font, no mouse. and when you ring people out its not like you type in RABIES SHOT it's some code you have to memorize. i bought a little notebook so i am going to start writing down all of them to memorize. i go in tommorow for a full day of work. i come in at 7 am! ughhh. i need to readjust my schedule to be a morning person.

yesterday me, alex, gary and julie went to mgm/epcot for free. it was awesome. ive never been to the worlds before. we didnt have much time in epcot so me and alex ran through japan, china and germany quick but i spent $65 in japan hhehe.

anyways i need to clean up a little, do some laundry, kill these flies (there's 2 buzzing around my face) and make food. yaya

my new jobbbb

moved into the new place. it's pretty sweet! i spent 5 grand... of my 10 grand loan... BUT i spent it on:

first months rent
our half of breaking the lease of the other place
a years worth of renters insurance
one car payment
furniture: 2 endtables, 1 coffee table, 1 computer desk, 1 dinner table, 4 chairs, a neat hamper, a neat chalk board thing, 1 entertainment center, like 5-6 lamps
a 42" panasonic plasma hdtv (splurge)
a trip to walmart for random house things (extension cords, hammer, drywall screws, pillows, detergent, etc.)
a trip to the grocery store to for a huge cart of groceries (i haven't gone in a month because we were about to move)
a whirlpool washer
all new kitchen stuff (dishes, pans, pots, silverware, stirring spoons, etc)

now that i look at it it's not that bad... can you tell i am trying to justify it to myself?
i am still jobless. i am trying to get a job as a leasing agent, but the stupid manager is hardly ever there so i can never talk to her. she comes in monday so i will see how that goes.

i talked to this girl i went to school with at walmart. she works there. $8/hour, $9/hour on sundays. walmart actually doesn't sound that bad. fuck i was making $7.70/hour as a supervisor at subway... if i dont get this leasing job on monday i will go over there and apply. i don't think it would bother me. i like ringing up groceries lol. ill keep it at least until i might find somethign better like a serving job but those are pointless during the summer.

oh - grades. i am kind of pissed about my grades. i got straight a's in pre-med level sciences, but can't get an a in comp 2? that guy fucked me over. I got an A in humanities and intro to education. B+ in astronomy (i could've gotten an a, this pisses me off) and a B in comp 2. i got a's on everything... how does that work? lol. ugh. oh well. i've forever ruined my 4.0. i have like a 3. 56 for this semester, 3.8 cumulative. ugly.

i'm bored. i don't know how stay at home mothers not work.